Beautiful Purpose

Ikigai – Purpose of Being

Ikigai

is a Japanese word whose meaning translates roughly to a reason for being, encompassing joy, a sense of purpose and meaning and a feeling of well-being.

The word derives from:
iki, meaning life, and
kai, meaning the realisation of hopes and expectations.
From what is.techtarget.com

Tools
Wanting to heal and providing a number of tools, resources and ideas that support others to heal too I believe is my path, my passion and my pastime. A therapist no longer. I am doing something more. It’s surprising this level of experience because I had no idea that I would arrive at a point like Jonathon Livingstone Seagull: Above the clouds, looking for others to soar up here too.

Psychotherapy as Art
I was supposed to be an artist. An architect at the very least an Interior Designer. But life did what life does best – took me where it needed me to go. From London to Peterborough, Leicester, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, North London, South London. Hamilton Ontario?

Walk and Talk Therapy, Autumn creeps in the mist
Walking and Talking in a London Park. Psychotherapy meets Artistry

Mr Ben
A host of jobs I have played an active role in, that has included; a McDonalds employee, a night packer at Walkers Crisps Leicester, working in a nightclub as a bar person, packer and sorter for freeman’s catalogs Peterborough, office mover and delivery person for English Heritage and Manpower staff agency – London, a barista and store assistant manager at Seattle Coffee company, a youth worker/manager for the place in Woolwich.

Speeding Up
It was here as a youth worker, that life began to accelerate and I began to notice the power of influence within conversations I was having with young people and what the effect of being supported could do.

I continued supporting young people at the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award in Wandsworth which lead me to being a school sports co-ordinator at Harris Girls Academy East Dulwich, I completed an introductory course to counselling at Morley College in this time.

Becoming a learning mentor at a boys school Salesian College, a few years later, helped to solidify what I had learned -Talking Helps! Then I completed a Masters in Counselling from University of Greenwich.

Paint
A placement at a Drs surgery in Camberwell and a placement at a prison lead me to working with people in forensic settings. I have written before about becoming an artist that works with the human canvas of life. The reality is artistry has led on to something more.

Labelled Healer
It is further along this path of discovery that I am headed, I notice points of interest and signs that the journey is about to quicken and change once more. Magi, healer, shaman, doctor, it seems like the next door through which I am to pass.

A man in prison approached me and asked
“What do you do, then?”
I replied “I am a counsellor.”
He said “You look more like a doctor.”
I laughed and offered “Is that’s a good thing?”
He said “It could be, I need a doctor.”
“Ah” I said…

Sidelined
The idea I am learning to accept is that interpretation of an idea, of a person’s life choices can be vast. So much can be included or completely left out.

Those who are labelled unhinged or mad are marginalised. The fact that some people can see things that may not appear in our version of reality earns them a label. Perhaps the Magi, Healer, Suffi, Shaman could be more appreciative, showing more understanding towards the ‘psychotic’ the ‘schizophrenic’ or the personality disordered. Perhaps there is more to reality.

6 Weeks: Get Ready for 2020

More
My Ikigai is wanting to support the many to be well whatever that may mean. These blogs and links, tweets, linkedIn posts, Instagram shares, Pinterest pictures, Facebook posts are to support the many heal. My 6 week course for Black Man is soon to begin at the Wellness Hub in Lee Lewisham England. A 6 week online course for the same target group is currently in production too.  It’s Time

Resources
2 Black Guys with Good Credit Don’t Hate, Negotiate
Oprah Winfrey and Malcolm Gladwell Super Soul Sinday
The Dope Black Podcast
Code Switch Our Homeland Raising Kings
The Nod Fearing the Black Body

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No Longer A Therapist

I consider what my role as counsellor/psychotherapist is, after 10 years of practice. Change is present and I am simply bearing witness.

What am I?
A Shaman. A mental health practitioner. A support. An educator. An enthusiast. A Creative.

Tune this
The dial has swung on this thing called therapy don’t you think? Treatment for mental illness is no longer clinging to an outer boundary of the:

‘Never!’
‘No!’
‘You will have to drag me outta here to see a therapist.’
‘Sedate me first, please?’
‘Do I look like I’m crazy to you. Well? Do I?’
‘If you think I need therapy, why don’t you just lock me up?’

Accessing support has become more socially acceptable. Changing the perception to another resource for those requiring support. Those with the means to pay for it do. Signing the contract and attending to treatment with studious intent.

Therapy can be a choice. Enter from stage left: IAPT providing access and enabling a great many more people to access the support so few previously sought.

Taking Flight from Counselling to… http://www.michaelforfiehcounselling.com

Choose Wellness
Now therapy sits alongside health as a must for those in emotional, physical or psychological pain. Many have come forward sharing their change. Championing their therapy and the counsellors/ psychologists/ psychotherapists that walked with them through their dark spaces.

Half Life
Enough time has passed for the shame of a half lived life to be released and relieved. I thank those like Paul McGregor who champions the cause of C.A.L.M. Talking therapy is a way through blocks and barriers, as is homeopathy, hypnotherapy, walk n talk therapy, coaching, osteopathy, dance, sport, gym and dietary support.

Staying
Some of the approaches mentioned above I have been able to use. I realise that the change for me is as a result of what people have asked of therapy.

Be in the room with me. Don’t leave like those others did (Dad, Girlfriend, Mum, Boyfriend, Work, Gran and Grandfather, evn my Friends!).

“Help me understand my story. Make sense of these experiences with me.” With the experience I have, I am able to interpret and meet some of what is asked. The call is pressing. The call is also immediate.

The call is a now (exclamation mark) not, a later. And this is where therapy meets coaching meets mentoring entrepreneurship and consultancy.

Orbit
This is where I find myself. I am not sure there is a final word for where I am finding myself. A therapist? Of course. Yes. A mentor? Yes. A coach? Yes. A counselling supervisor? Yes.

I feel that consultancy is what is pooling for me currently.

Pulling me in like a form of magnetism.

A New Approach to Support
http://www.michaelforfiehcounselling.com

Therapy Sloth
The time we are living in now is almost of immediate gratification. If it cannot be had within moments of the request – abject fear, loss, failure, ignorance and paucity ensue. Or a sense close to. I ask and within microseconds, no longer minutes, goodle or facetram or instagaboggle will provide.

What then of therapy? The old model was to be a blank screen allowing the client to project their fears and desires onto. With newer versions of therapy the therapist stayed in the room and aimed to be a vehicle that supported the clients change.

Perhaps the model is to change once more. The next adaptation is to be in the room and be an active agent, an instigator of change that is significant and meaningful for the client being supported. The work could find a breakthrough in one sitting, 3 or 23.

Transitioning
Change has no signature.
No off, on, or now, time stamp.

Change happens as a result of the relationship between the supporter and *supportee. It is the twang of tension. The confusion of misapprehension it is the stuff of the in between. I stopped being a therapist the moment when I applied psychobabble to the vast complex life I am living in. Take a look at Haunted as an example or The Alienist blog featuring in Patterns: A beautiful way of thinking.

Ending With
I am here for those who assertively, dramatically and seriously want something amazing to happen. Change is available for those who want it! More importantly it exists for those who ask for it and continue asking until that change arrives.

I work with those who are ready and waiting for the next turn on their wheel.

I am a…

Soothsayer
Father
Husband
Friend
Artist
Brother
Uncle
Lay philosopher
Writer
Counsellor
Coach
Mentor
Psychotherapist
Supervisor
Baker

The Call
I am a consultant transforming the art of conversation. Now, if you would like to work with me and that project, idea, challenge or concern drop me a line or visit www.michaelforfiehcounselling.com.

Resource
The Art of Getting Things Done GTD

A Review- Black Leopard Red Wolf

Black Leopard Red Wolf
Imagine if you will a non linear telling of an African history told without colonial conventions about story time and whose voice is the narrator or the keeper of the story. 

Black Leopard Red Wolf 
Is Marlon’s invention of an African past unsullied by the misapprehension of the European. Marlon crafts this book breaking away from the idea of past present and Future. Skillfully he weaves a story together from a possible ancestral past that is rich with magic and risk and myth. 

Black Leopard Red Wolf 

Marlon James and Black leopard Red Wolf 1st in Trilogy

Is a book to lose an idea of up down and other *polemities. The book teases and plays with language timing and of telling a story in a fashion that other stories are often told. It is an opus, an operatic explosion diverse and divisive in creating a new African mystery. 

Black Leopard Red Wolf
Is to be read with care. The misdirects and loose narrative can befell the unweary traveller. There are moments of outstanding beauty, and times where Marlon plays with the idea of trauma and horror. Take your time and enjoy a new way of being told a truly original story. There are moments too when you will laugh out loud and be surprised.

The 1st Man Talk

7 men on stage all talking about their individual experiences of life loss and mental illness.
The men included
Terrol Lewis @TerrolLewis Brixton Street Gym,
Gabriel Sey @Gabriel_Sey Personal Trainer,
Don Strapzy @DonStrapzy Musician Dulwich Dons,
Paul McGreggor @PMcGreggorCom CALM zone,
Xavier The Life Coach @XavierTheLifeCoach,
Kharris Kwame @Kharis.Kwame Financial Advisor
and Leon ‘Sweets’ Lewis @SweetsLewis

When I found out about the event, thank you Eddie, I was at first intrigued. I knew little of the people who were going to be speaking at The Man Talk. But this did not derail my interest.

Finding a queue outside Brixton Ritzy mostly with men from the Diaspora standing, waiting, talking amongst themselves, greeting each other, shaking hands, fist bumping, head nodding and laughing was a welcome sight to behold. I usually see something similar of this relaxed nature at one of the prisons I support as the men travel to or from their activities to their wings.

Here though there were no prison officers. Patrolling, expectant, ready, making small talk with themselves or with some of the men housed at this prison. The scene was light and celebratory not couched for things to go off or tense.

I looked on and waited. Hoping to get a seat soon. My 6’2” frame groaning for respite leaning on my adjustable cane, we stood and waited for close to an hour. Eventually the doors were loosed and patiently the assembled group of men ambled with reverie into the cinema.

I found a seat near to the end of a row. Most had come with friends or people they knew. If Ade was still here I would have gone with him. The evening began with a welcome and a brief greeting with people sat beside me, in front and behind that added to the sense of camaraderie amongst the audience. The Man Talk began with Leon Sweets Lewis introducing what we the audience were in store for. His informal beginning allowed the assembled panelists to introduce themselves and their reasons for why they felt The Man Talk was important.

Terrol Lewis @TerrolLewis Brixton Street Gym,
Spoke about the soon arrival of his first child, being sent to prison for a period and wanting to get to a train platform… Terrol became more impassioned the more he spoke about his mission that almost never was. The train platform experience was a moment that he came close to bringing his life to a premature end.

Inside Brixton Ritzy at the Man Talk

Gabriel Sey @Gabriel_Sey Personal Trainer,
Talked about not finding his purpose and being lost and close to being broken. Finding his path with personal training and getting fit and supporting others to do the same.

Don Strapzy @DonStrapzy Musician, Dulwich Dons talked about his known and unknown personal stories, encountering loss, finding himself between a number of different worlds that include Music Football and his community. Wanting both to succeed and support family and friends.

Paul McGreggor @PMcGreggorCom CALM zone held nothing back. Paul introduced himself with the story of losing his father to suicide. A pin drop moment for me. It brought the audience and me to the edge of our seats. From Paul’s conversation the TALK became REAL and the objective of why we all were sat, listening and witnessing was made evident. The Campaign Against Living Miserably  

Xavier The Life Coach @XavierTheLifeCoach, the elder statesman of the room shared aspects of his story. He is a voice coach, singing mentor and has supported numerous X-FACTOR contestants to perform well. Xavier discussed becoming a life coach after sharing his insights with friends and putting his skills coaching singers and performers to shine. XTLC was launched as a new concept for him from that point going forward. Xavier also shared about the death of his mother which completely caused him to shut down and function. When he returned home he cried for his sense of loss. Xavier mentioned that his loss was profound because of his connection with her.

Kharris Kwame @Kharis.Kwame Financial Advisor story was different. He began by sharing with the crowd that he was a Ghanian and his dream of becoming an American citizen was upended by 2 things. 1st his financial organisation changing their hiring policy of foreign nationals and America’s new immigration policy. The dream he had built up in his mind was over and he had to rethink his goals and dream fast.

I felt inspired by what I witnessed at The Man Talk and want to start a Men of the Diaspora therapy group. The feeling is that something positive that tackles toxic masculinity has started. Potentially men talking about shame pain being hurt and loving is essential for how men process and see themselves. With a fresh perspective and with new imaginings. Not with the tropes of old that states that men are 2 dimensional, simple, unemotional monoliths inflexible immature and bullish.

All panelists were humorous, honest and humble.

All of the men on stage presented a good argument, a representation for men to talk, listen and to be seen in similar ways with others. The Man Talk was a window into vulnerability and honesty. What would that be like for family and friends to experience? To See?

The 2nd talk is scheduled for June 19th and I am not able to attend. What I am confident about are a number of outcomes.

There will be other ‘The Man Talks’ and the ripples will affect how men relate to themselves, and the communities they move amongst.

Other groups will begin holding other men focused talking experiences.

Some already do.

Something important has begun and I am excited by what more is to follow.
Resource
Dope Black Dads Podcast https://soundcloud.com/dopeblackdads/episode-4-co-parenting

I am interested in knowing what you all think about my blogs/writing, when you can, can you complete this survey monkey questionnaire https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/9V9TYQS Thank you.

The Next Frank Morrison

It’s Complicated: For a Reason

Wrestling Free

Perhaps we are supposed to wrestle with family scripts for portions of our lives. It is possible that the wrestling supports our growth and development of resilience. Maybe understanding what came before helps us know what direction we are to travel or perhaps when we should stop and drop the heavy load.

3rd Layer Down – Winter Fortress

There are a number of differences between who Isaac my father was and who I am being for my sons. An uncomfortable realisation was that he Isaac, was not a consistent presence in our lives. His extended trips to Ghana, caring more for his political interests and party, his letters to parliament, his conflicts with the then local council of Haringey appeared more important and relevant to his identity than being a consistent part of mine and my sister’s lives. In Inception, something important happens on this point in the film: the inception is made.

Perfection

I am a long way from the perfect parent. I am not attempting to get there. Good enough parenting is the aim, not do as bad as Isaac did. What I wanted and needed from my father was to above all talk, be heard, discuss, debate and wrestle with aspects of life, with him either cheering or advising. Relating to me as Adult.

With other family members: Ananta and the New Jersey/New York tranche, I have empowered  conversations, when we meet, we discuss and share learning and debate.  Being good enough, I will be available for my sons to explore that which I did not have with Isaac. My sons call me dad. I referred to him as ‘Old Man Boogie’ as he loved to dance: my Father. Dad is a term of endearment. Offering a sense of proximity and warmth, I could not say dad about him…

It doesn’t seem to fit.

Implant

Tangle
Complicated Lines

Coming back to Inception, the goal was to plant an idea into the sleeping awareness of the target – Robert Fischer. An illegal act, but one that we are to notice as consumers because we are victims of Inceptions as well.

Think fast and note what:
hair product brand,
mortgage company,
car insurance logo or phrase,
drinks manufacturer,
comedy show,
vehicle company,
shoe brand,
grocery store,
furniture company,

Soap opera,
holiday provider,
mobile phone manufacturer
or life insurance brand
springs to mind as you read these words. I wonder what happened for you as you read the above? 

Asleep

We are brand loyal, TV show advocates and label devotees for life! We even introduce brand loyalty to our family and friends. Look upon those who are walking differently and often away from, as though they are the ones losing out!

In actuality it is us who lose continually: Money, time, worry, often distracted, procrastinating, disappointed with our lot, ill at ease and diseased, demotivated – depressed, perhaps?

Extraction and implementation has happened to us a million times.

Inception’s point was in reversing the process of extracting information…

Nudge

The plant was to have the heir of a power corporation recognise that he was his own self-determining person. The aim to live beyond the idea that he was a disappointment to his father and could make choices that were his alone and no-one being able to influence him!

The subtle switch.

Arc

Planting a challenging idea in a way that organically grows to overtake the family script. I notice that my disappointment with my father is that he could never appreciate the who I was. That I was very different from him. He only saw me as a representation of his ideals not being met. Not as a person in my own right. Free to make choices and mistakes of my own. And learn from them! I became what I ought to have been: an Artist, a Psychotherapist, a lay Philosopher – emancipated from his outdated idea of what success is.

4th Layer Down – Ocean Decay

We arrive at a fundamental understanding of being human. Generally we seek to make our parents proud of our achievements. To have them look on us fondly and recognise that we are going to be okay with whatever life throws at us. We have learnt to adapt and roll with it. Get up and keep going when knocked down. That we have earned the right due to experience to be independent and resourceful. My role as a father is to support my children’s development and recognise them as younger individuals carrying their own important agendas into their futures. My wife and I are guides, providing love, information, support and ideas for them to navigate their way through life.

I can understand that Old Man Boogie’s life and mine were starkly different and as a result his father ship felt different to the one I have been able to offer to my sons. I am told that I am strict. Just like my father was with me. But feel that I differ considerably from his Ghanian idea of raising a male child. I provide love, boundaries that are flexible when necessary and firm when important. I can be silly and playful whenever and wherever possible, knowledgeable and capable of sharing what I know in ways that my children can learn something from. “Aw dad are you lecturing me again?” Sharing my views of the world with passion and in a measured reasoned way mostly is a job I hold preciously. My passion can short circuit my intentions and there are moments when I can be short sighted and short tempered. 

Delicate Balance

The game is a difficult one to temper, like walking a tight rope whilst juggling seven burning batons and dodging cannon fire. It’s a fine balancing act that I have good days with and some horrible crashes – where I get caught by a cannon ball, drop a baton, or fall off the rope. Mostly it’s a case of all three! The attempt is to live and love well. Be good enough but not perfect. For Isaac good enough was not possible, not attempted and not achieved, at a loss because of his own unmet *potentia. Within Inception, arriving at the final dream scenes: beat up, washed up and old speaks to an undeniable self-script: We would all like to live well, long and happy lives, leaving a legacy, an indelible mark for those that follow.

Analogy of Parenting
Fire Juggling

In our dreams as well as in life – there is always potential.

When we realise that our family scripts are ours now to manipulate and fashion for ourselves then we can move into a newer *betterer now.

Family scripts, are complicated because they determine who are to become over time…

Resources

Grief cast No1 with Cariad Lloyd and Adam Buxton 

Philosophy Bites Podcast Death and the Self and Philosophy in Africa

The Stoop Podcast So Hard to Say I Love You

Loving You

Tim Ferris and James Altucher discuss saying No and Family Scripts

It’s Complicated – Family Scripts

Interception

I am using the film Inception as a way of opening up a discussion about family scripts. What is a family script? Do we all have one? What is mine? A family script I believe is something we live with semi consciously. The script could be about how much of a success/failure we are to be, who in the family we are like and what our life path is. Whether we live with family or have some distance from our families.

A family script can follow us regardless. In part, a family script is as much apart of us as we are a part of it. The story of our family. Informing ourselves of how we are to live and then how we choose to live. Knowing what script is your family’s could be for you to look to parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings and notice parts of their story that are similar or very different to your own. Spend time reflecting or if there is space and time, talking with them about their life’s journey. Learning more about their life and your own as a result. A great book to read that further explores and expands the idea of family scripts we are living is: They F£$K You Up by Oliver James.

Games

I re-watched Inception recently with an aim of being simply entertained and of gaining an understanding of what I thought the film was all about. For the helpers out there I challenge you to watch any film without psychoanalysing yourself and the role of the principle characters. As mentioned in an earlier piece of writing my super power has been turned on and simply watching a film or tv show I can no longer do. The thing being watched turns into a psychotherapy session out of habit and as an intellectual game.

Inception has 4 layers of unconsciousness examined and toyed with. I understood the film finally, when I watched again. I will split this blog in to two parts. Processing the first 2 layers of the dream in this blog and the 2nd two layers in a later blog.

1st Layer Down – Rain

Layered is a simple way of sharing my interpretation of the movie. On re-watching Inception I can see that there are a number of elements that are unearthed as the movie progresses: dreams as routes to knowledge, substance use to lucidly dream, planting of new ideas, the unconscious/subconscious and it’s uses and misuses, rescuing lost love, healing of the self, making informed choices and admiration of father figures. As a psychoanalyst/counsellor/artist I enjoyed the blending of ideas. Initially I had thought the film clever and entertaining, after watching Inception again I am left with the idea of what has been planted beneath for me…

Father’s Day passed on the 16th of June this year (2018) and whilst listening to ‘Where should we begin’ podcast I thought about the now I am in. Raising two sons with my wife in London and recognising that, the experience they were having being parented by me is very different to the one I had being parented by my father. Mr Mensah a family friend once said something profound to me and my father. He said to us ‘that who your father had, is different to who Michael’s father is’.

It seems so obvious now, but a shiver went through me at the time. Inviting the idea that my parenting would be different and the same about for him as well. Our relationship was difficult for a number of reasons including being a son of economic migrants. Inception appeared to explore family scripts and expand upon the notion exquisitely.

2nd Layer Down – Hotel

My father Isaac died in the Autumn of 2015 and I still have not attempted to mourn his passing. Grief this time has not arrived like it did with my mum’s death – a raging bull – tearing and trampling at life passionately. This time grief has seemed like a faded monochrome picture of the past. I am sad that we did not mend what was horribly broken. Perhaps that task was too great for both of us. Within the film, the protagonists implant the concept that grows within their target. The term“Disappointed…” takes on both meaning and form as the film progresses.

Disappointment attempts to silence the trumpets of hope for me. With analysis as a friend and because of hope, knowing loss – can bring with it release. Letting go of unobtainable standards, misguided belief, unrelenting demands and family scripts that have the potential to stunt growth and development.

Inception Motif
Monochrome Spinning Top

Unsure

I remain unaware of my father noticing the achievements or challenges that I overcame in my life. His adoration of his grandchildren was witnessed and I took great comfort from that. In a number of ways he had already left my life due to the separation and divorce from my mother. The efforts he did make were with attempts to establish himself in two worlds that seemed not to communicate very well. Ghana of the 60s-80s was a country removing itself from the cudgeling effects of colonisation. Much of his time and energy spent, involved with Ghana’s reformation. A devotion that could have been shown to our family. A disappointing realisation of what could have been.

Gaps

I wanted to have a good relationship with my father and felt that this was possible after our reunion 17 years after we last met. My attempts to have him be a part of my life were unsuccessful. The gap between us was too significant to overcome. After the separation, moving house and divorce from my mother, reforming a semblance of family was a challenge that became un-mend able.

He too far gone his way and me perhaps becoming too settled in mine. The life script of being the middle one, of being the one who brings both laughter and co-operation for the family to rally around was forever unmet. With my father’s death I can choose which parts of the family script I ignore or continue with, much like Robert Fischer does in Inception.

Choose…

Resources

The Moth Podcast – Goodbye

Two Black Guys with Good Credit Burying the Dead

Dawning Realisations

Alternative Action

3 ways out

During a conversation with a friend in Toronto: Canada this year (2018) they said “I have to have at least 3 ways to get downtown”

“What do you mean?” She was asked.

“Well I can’t rely on one way to get there. If the subway isn’t working I can use the tram. If the trams aren’t running I can use a taxi.” H stated.

“What about the buses?” I asked.

H looked at me shook her head and smiled. “I’d rather take a cab. Buses are unreliable. They come when they want. The schedule. The schedule is no help. It’s just added frustration on top of the insult of waiting…”

Snowy Taxi

Toronto Taxi

I had little experience of Torontonian buses apart from Go Transit to Toronto from Hamilton. Buses in London I could offer as comparison were at times unpredictable. I nodded and laughed to show I knew her frustrations.

The other comparison I made was managing anxious thoughts and low moods. What strategies do I employ when I recognise that a state of anxiety, or *pissedoffedness was imminent? What were my 3 exit routes to safety and a better state of mental well-being? Using Denial, Anger and Getting the Hell Out of here, has limited effects. The fire often still rages.

Years ago (1993) as a student at DeMontfort University, I would head to a basketball court in Victoria Park in Leicester and perfect my shot. The release of the ball at the right moment sending it sailing towards the hoop offered something towards appeasement, release and calming. This the summer after my mothers death… I knew little of the effects of grief and depression and found a way to self soothe that became a coping strategy: Basketball.

Basketball was an amazing outlet for me, many years later 1999 – 2011. Coaching gave me the chance to order a team of basketball players around on a court. Another useful way to channel energy. Coaching was a constructive activity for me and the players I coached. Coaching offered discipline, direction, focus and purpose for all. Later still summer 2005 talking therapy opened up as a way to let compressed thoughts chance to be heard and space to breathe. Sharing stories, for that is what Therapy can be, was helpful. And so began a journey I am still travelling.

The exits to better feeling that I use are:

Stopping and listening
Making a choice
Talking
Acting

Stopping and listening

A friend once said in order to change direction one must first stop. First notice the feelings that are stirred up. Listen for the emotions that are engaged in choosing to fight flee freeze or friend the situation. Usually there are many emotions all clamouring for the mic and anger seems to come out on top every time for me. It’s easy red energy gives chance to assert myself.

Pause

Take stock, uh oh this feels something like anxiety or anger or frustration or some other butt ugly emotion. Trailing behind it – dastardly thoughts that lead to impulses and actions that can direct one to regret guilt and shame.

The Way Out

Heading Up

Make a choice

Choosing from the list of Byron Katie’s The Work I make a choice to feel better. I engage in self-soothing acts like rubbing my arms, self-hugging, rubbing my hands gently together like I do when washing hands, rubbing my  head, going for a walk either physically or imaginatively to gain peace and serenity. The aim to give oneself space and some time out. Choose to accept and honour the discomfort. This is the hard part and the best part of the work. The discomfort is showing something that needs to be acknowledged! Denying and ignoring the hurt allows it to fester and grow. Honouring allows recognition of what ails thee and a possible release and easing of the pressure. I am learning that honouring the feelings and pausing is a mighty act. It interrupts the patterns of what usually follows. Choosing rather than impulsively acting can make a huge difference. The I am getting out of here is a choice. Which direction to travel?

Supply Clouds

Reading the chimp paradox by Professor Steven Peters has helped to identify that ‘Mandeville’ my Chimp is at the root to ill feeling and malignant thought. A book recommended by Jonathan Scott several months ago as a must read. Life changing were his words of advice about the book. I wholeheartedly agree!

Another partner to the ill feeling dynamic is my inner child. Mandy the Chimp is powerful but my inner child is like Tetsuo in Akira. Apocalyptic with rage and temper. Finally binary thinking helps the justifying thought that I am right and they whoever they are, are wrong. Completing the off balance set up.

Think

Be decisive and take action. – Gain perspective on the situation. Once clear it could be easier to make choices that best support self and or the situation. The route away from here is questioning, patient compassion. The strategies used invites my brain to move the energy away from Flight Fight Freeze Friend responses and engage with thinking.

The Bus

Towerbridge at Dusk

3 Ways Downtown Bus, Cab, Walk

Soothing ‘Mandy’ and the child is another important task. Once they have said all that is in them to say and have calmed right down. I can begin the questioning. Colour things in more. Invite doubt and gain answers. Here then lies truth peace and a possible way beyond the discomfort and disquiet. A solution to long held outmoded strategies that don’t get you downtown but waiting at a bus stop for a bus that’s way behind late, overcrowded when it eventually does arrive and with a driver with A WORSE mood than the one you had. Getting on to that bus possibly is not going to be the safest journey, for you, for the driver or the other tired, frustrated passengers…

Be Still

Distance yourself from the situation and walk away physically/mentally with the aim to cool down. Imagine a glass of water with ripples gradually becoming still. Even better the water becoming thick with ice. Get creative with the ideas that offer solution. These arise once the noise of the confused anger has begun to calm. Listen and hear well. Generally the voice is quiet, offering advice and guidance. It rarely yells. Adrenaline is a useful energy component. It invites movement, if redirected it can be used to support mind functioning by thinking clearly and acting with purpose to solve seemingly insurmountable and threatening problems.

Talking

The next part of this bus journey is to speak to another, a friend a family member, a trusted colleague, talking activates higher functioning of the brain. The prefrontal cortex is a power house generating imaginative ideas and surprising solutions. Tapping into this part of the brain directs energy to support growth curiosity and enjoyment. Bringing a clear direction forward out of thin air where once only a wall blocked the passage. The first conversation we often have is with ourselves. The next could be with a trusted other. Mentors, Coaches, Hypnotherapists, community and faith leaders, and a host of other objective agents can help to dispel the negative and increase awareness to creative and affirming solutions. With a clear plan or decision in mind something different can be created. Generally I feel better with a solution rather than confusion.

Airborne

Acting – In Flight

Acting

This is the last part of the bus ride. Make a choice/decision as to what you would like to do in relation to the set of circumstances that invited disquiet.

Recently I was driving home from work and opted not to get caught in a traffic jam that would have angered me, and made getting home much later. I chose to take a side road. I went through new areas of a town I knew little of and saw landscapes and scenes that I felt lifted by. I was able to get back on route in less time than if I had sat in the jam and in a much better mood.

What detours can be made in life and what might be achieved when we take them?

Life is simple it’s just not easy.

I am slowly learning to accept what this saying means.

Getting there…

 

Two items of interest

TED Radio Hour
https://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/529942522/a-better-you

The Science of Success Podcast
https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2017/6/28/the-shocking-truth-about-talent-what-it-means-for-you-with-geoff-colvin