Submarine

Splitting off parts of myself for the allure of peace has been a way of coping with adverse events. This piece of writing I am setting myself the challenge of introducing a little-known aspect of myself. The aim to smooth re-integration and aid a hopeful release. All in 800 words or less. I am speaking of my shadow also unknown as my internalised sadist.

Why Now
As you may have noted throughout this year (2022) these blogs are mini-pscyho exploratory stories where I hold an experience up and inspect carefully. The idea of the shadow and sadism follows two important conversations had with my supervisor and another with Joshua Isaac Smith. Who highlighted that whilst we hold sadism in our psyche we also suppress – fearing sadism’s strength to maraud through everyday functioning.

Corrupting
With TV shows like House of Cards, The Wire, Game Of Thrones (GOT)and You, sadism reaches an honesty that is captivating, and yet also confusing. We find ourselves caught between wanting the best outcomes for those we develop an uncomfortable kinship. Perhaps with recognition of our own sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, sadist. Wanting these characters to thrive or overcome challenge, possibly relieves our trapped shadow selves. Witnessing them act out our suppressed desires offers us release. Safe, in that although acted by external bodies we recognise ‘the act’ as our unexpressed desire. Reich and Erikson offered psychoanalysis an understanding of human development. They wrote of the journey from childhood to adulthood. Exposing the infant to stages of human maturation that include masochism.  The idea of sadism intrigued me enough to offer Joshua a metaphor. My Sadist locked in a submarine 20,000 leagues deep. Never to released.

Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath, Sadist
I have written earlier of psychopathy and narcissism but not of sadism. The revelatory aspect I want to explore is the reason I had, locking my sadist and shadow away. Fear is a motivator. To act in ways that protect others and self. Healing not hurting people, another important factor that drives me. The sadist is willingly aware of the harm they cause. But also finds pleasure witnessing others suffer. We could argue that helping professionals, working with those who are in cycles of pain, may ‘enjoy’ relieving a suffering helpee. Could the wounded physician also be a healing sadist? My fear is if I were to bring to berth the submarine with it’s cargo of 1. What terror could I then be releasing? Better to have the sadist permanently held at an uncompromisable distance. Surely…

Association
A vessel not only large enough but also capable of causing nuclear destruction I felt a fitting metaphor. The internal – mirroring the external. It is Bruce the Great White shark, losing his temporary control on his blood lust in ‘Finding Nemo’. Marty and Dory narrowly escaping being eaten. Bruce and his friends swimming away. The scene of the mines blowing up. The idea of why I have housed sadism out of harms way succinctly caught in the clip below. But in so doing, am I holding back an explosive yet necessary part of myself.

Volley Return
Could there be a physical outcome to a once experienced trauma? A destabilising event at an earlier point in my life had me hold horror, anger and confusion. I learned to keep these emotions hidden. I didn’t have the words. Acting out with aggression brought unwanted attention including punishment and questions. Choosing instead to let imagination find balance, not justice. Seeking vengeance against ‘them’ was not viable. Perhaps here the passive aggressive 1000 tiny paper cuts method was given life. In admitting that I sought retribution satisfies the angry part still left in me. Psychology has offered understanding settling the disquiet of what happened.

Rigidity
What is the cost to a person continually suppressing their internal shadow or sadist? Do we become rigid and inflexible in thought and physical presence. And also somehow short changed in how we engage with the world? Has the submarine not only caged a part of myself I have little trust with, but also magically ensnared my body too? MS is in the mix here as well. Possibly the cause for the inflexibility lies first with a psychological cage that has then become a physical extension.

Shade
Clients are given chance to struggle with their shadow. Beneath the umbrella are the parts of the self that others and society have said are undesired, not valued, wrong, nasty, cruel, ugly. We may have decided, to disown and live on as though they aren’t important. They are. The challenge is to collect parts discarded and make use from them. Each disowned piece contains a lesson or memory that leads to growth and change.

Wobble
My internalised untrusted self the sadist is an unrefined being. Potentially with the power and will to burn everything I value down into ash. What I have failed to recognise is the energy of the former submarine dweller. The positives of balancing sadism with acceptance. A combination of understanding, compassion and concentration might equal the might of sadism. The drive to achieve justice of past hurts mercifully, is a journey I am now willing to take. I fear less the power of the sadist in me. Appreciating more what this fire offers – an uncertain balance.

Resources
Stutz, this Netflix film offers us a chance to look at the inner workings of Jonah Hill’s psychiatrist and the tools he has shared with Jonah to support his growth. One tool I picked up was on the waiting to be vindicated. Never going to happen. Ever! So what now? Well…
In Finding Nemo The shark scenes with Bruce Marty and Dory draw parallels between Sadism, Masochism, Psychopathy, Narcissism and sociopathy as well as group support.
Wilhelm Reich links to a Wikipedia page overlooking the discoveries and ideas of Reich.
Code Switch looks at past American presidents whose policies, words and beliefs affected race locally and globally. Tthe podcast intrigued me to observe what absolute power offers sadism.
Jemele Hill shares her multiple stories with the Questlove crew who chop up what using your voice and being politically and socially active can change at a community and country wide level.
Stutz a film by Jonah Hill
Finding Nemo The Name’s Bruce
Character Analysis by Wilhelm Reich Wikipedia
Code Switch Podcast: Is Trump Really That Racist?
Quest Love Supreme Podcast: Jemele Hill Pt 1 and 2

Images
Shade Theme:
Cover photo Blueish Bookstand by Joe Gardner on Unsplash
Giant Steps photo by Joe Gardner on Unsplash
Red Parashade photo by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash
Steel Shade photo by Lysander Yuen on Unsplash
Antelope Canyon photo by Joe Gardner on Unsplash

Ubuntu, Recovery – White Supremacy

My Summer season of writing has definitely taken a bent towards topics that involve racism writ large. In this post I am looking to establish ways forward, beyond White supremacy. The system corrupt and broken is to be erased, like a Buddhist Monk’s manadala, in the rivers of time and re-written. For me this onward journey is about revolution. Those who identify with a Frail, Pale, Male, Stale (F.P.M.S.) aesthetic and outlook on life are to be discarded like the idea of the baby and the bath water. The infant, the tub and the water we are all swimming in is diseased, poisoned and grows corrupt crop.

Light in Illness
Another way of living – benefitting all – makes sense to begin insisting on. I have had these ideas since I was about 4 years old. Sick with a bad cold having an out of body experience, where I felt like I was experiencing what those who take the mushroom Hiawatha report. A sense of overwhelming love, compassion and connectedness with all. Taking time away from the machinery of work can support learning in a way that grows awareness. I have spent the last month, August, unwinding, watching a wide variety of TV shows and movies, as well as reading and listening to podcasts. The most recent book ‘Work Won’t Love You Back’ by Sarah Jaffe that I will attempt to summarise in a following blog, has stretched my appreciation of the month spent taking time back.

Light Mandala

Capitalism kills
If the organisation of work is ultimately a largely European concept. A system turning humans into labor devices. Transforming raw materials into something profitable, for other human’s consumption and monetary wealth. Can we then, identify the paucity and fallibility of both work and capitalism overall? It will take for all, to dismantle the current appeal of getting (buying) more, working more, earning less and feeling bad about how little we possess. Other’s  (F.P.M.S.) largely benefit from those at the lower tiers of the system. Tirelessly working at pulling from the hearth both product and illness. The whole system completely depends on those at the very bottom of the pyramid to support the shaky construct.

Strangled
Ingenuity, time, creativity and sensitivity are mangled lost and drained from the human who is tethered to the machine of work. What are the alternatives? We need to work to pay the bills, the mortgage, clothe and feed the children and the family, to make peace, or take our piece from life. How can much be enjoyed whilst one hand is in the noose tied to the unequal system and the other tied to hypocrisy lies and corruption? For how much longer can the system continue to rip the essence of life from bodies that are on the planet for so much more?

Mis-direct
I ended last weeks post by inviting critical thinking. By becoming analytical of all we experience and are investing time with, we can start to imagine and build something different. One of the films I have enjoyed watching that then linked to a few other Netflix documentaries was the Biggest Little Farm, Kiss the Ground and Fantastic Fungi. The book The Hidden Life of Trees (still to be read!) shows how symbiotic, integrated natural systems all support the living organism to function. What has caused humanity to lose sight of our role of our interconnectedness and stewardship of the resources our planet has? Did seeking financial gain, interrupt our curiosity playfulness and wonder? Did capital gains limit our human potential and wanderlust. Some who are (F.P.M.S.) appear to know how to control and manipulate the masses with ever increasing ideas of potential risk, loss, and death. Queue: War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death.

Ride Side Saddle
The alternative to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could be Emotional Intelligence: Critical Thinking, Emotional Awareness, Compassion focused teaching and learning. To move beyond a persecutor, victim rescuer triangle. We can live at the space of the observer. From a position of remaining compassionately aware, choices to behave differently whilst living can be applied. Outcomes could include benefitting the planet and each other with kindness first, as opposed to judgement.

Supportive Sources
‘Pope Francis’ encyclical Fratelli Tutti has a number of parallels with the African ethic of Ubuntu. Published in October 2020, the encyclical has drawn attention to the social consciousness on solidarity between different members of society based on social-interdependence. The African concept of Ubuntu largely refers to inter-connectedness within humanity and between its members, and asserts that “my humanity finds its fundamental definition through your humanity.”

This definition of Ubuntu is founded on three fundamental values. First, that humanity is essentially designed to co-exist in a cosmological friendship; second, that the core values of humanity cannot only be realized through the recognition of the intrinsic pristine nature of the other person’s humanity; third, that humanity is designed to safeguard and realize the common good that binds it together.

The cosmological friendship within the concept of Ubuntu puts emphasis on relationships and mutual co-existence. In other words, one’s humanity is only fulfilled through a relationship with other closely connected human beings, as well as with those who are remotely connected. This concept of relationship in a sense implies a cosmological friendship that grounds itself in a communal attitude working towards the development of the society. Source: article on ‘Fratelli Tutti’ and ‘Ubuntu’ on Cosmological Friendship in La Civiltà Cattolica’ subscribe@laciviltacattolica.com

Baton Pass
My father-in-law Dr G Warner sent the above to me, as a perfect illustration of Ubuntu. Humanity looking after the whole human community because overall we benefit from compassion kindness and sharing. We always have. We could still. As a human-doing we perhaps get snagged inside the doing part, rather than the being a part of a living planet. The 3 paragraphs above, (italicised) offer an understanding and a way to begin experiencing our planet Earth differently. The answers for ending White supremacy as Martin Luther King Jnr said ‘are along the long arc of time, that bends towards justice’. However we can begin speeding towards the bend by, willfully engaging, interrupting and destroying White supremacy’s hold over us. Moving from pure observation to questioning and persistent resilient activists. The journey ahead is not going to be easy. But I feel that challenging journeys are by their nature both life changing, life affirming and infinitely more interesting. The River Runner documentary on Netflix is testament to this idea, another of Summer’s offering.

Resources
Resmaa Manakem discusses below in detail, revolutionary thought and how to engage with healing and then appreciating cultural wealth. Kori Carew discusses a number of challenging and revolutionary ideas about Listening, Having Curiosity, Being Vulnerable, Engaging in Action as well as Belonging and becoming aware of community, in Kori’s T.E.D. talk she understands and shares insights about Having Courage to do what is right even whilst this may disrupt everything. Tricia Hersey introduces a wonderful insight about the mechanism of capitalism and how to fight back and win. Baratunde Rafiq Thurston discusses ideas about deconstructing racism that involve breaking headlines into 4 components – Subject, Action, Target, Activity. He shares his reasons as to why his approach provides clarity. Lastly Brené Brown Interviews Dr. Susan David on the need for improvement of appreciation of language, interpretation of feelings and compassion. Ultimately the idea is about a community of humans that can use language to truly see, understand and hold self and others compassionately. Those who push at the limits of possibility and what seems impossible are the free radicals who invite others to imagine beyond the horizon. As mentioned above, The River Runner captures this idea very well.
Resmaa with Charlemagne and Angela On the Breakfast Show.
Kori Carew Ted Talk
Tricia Hersey Rest and Care as Tools for Liberation
Baratunde Rafiq Thurston How To Deconstruct Racism
Brené Brown and Dr. Sarah David Dangers of Toxic Positivity

Images
Inspired by Mandalas
Cover photo Live Together by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
Lights photo by nibras al-riyami on Unsplash
Wall manadala photo by Fabio Santaniello Bruun on Unsplash
Mandala Sea photo by Jayshree Sharma on Unsplash

Perfect Storm: Never

Never
I had thought that my last post on the experience of CoViD19 would be my final one. That post looked at the fatigued experience of when will the Lockdown end and things return to something that’s near normal? But something as cruel and life affecting has appeared on the horizon and I am drawn to look at this too. This post is serialised.

Resource
Kehinde Andrews 20 positive ways to bring about lasting change

Image
Cover photo by frankie cordoba on Unsplash