With Great Power – FFWD

In last week’s blog I set up a trinity between 3 wise people and some of their ideas, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Kendrick Lamar and Resmaa Menakem. All individually brilliant and whilst working with others inviting change on a global scale.

Whirring
Today I wanted to dig a little deeper into why I hold these three people’s ideas so highly. At this time of gross violence, destruction, continued land theft, wildfires and blame throwing, I wonder about the relevance of this post. Surely there are bigger fish to catch, and then fry? However, I will do my best to make plain the thoughts these three divergent experiences are conjuring for me. What was sent stirring as I watched the movie on Thanksgiving Day in Canada, were a few thoughts about Kendrick’s latest album, Resmaa’s book ‘My Grandmother’s Hands and about the multiple players involved in the creation of the H Bomb.

More
When operating at an individual level we may travel quickly, however we are very much on our own. When travelling with a group the journey may take a long time, however we arrive together. For Oppenheimer’s crew they were able to arrive at a hugely explosive and world changing end. Kendrick shows his development alongside tap, and conversations with Whitney. He is continuously in collaboration with others. In Resmaa’s book, great lengths are taken to explain that our journey has always been communal. I would advise you to look into (link) Communal Consultations Resmaa invites readers of My Grandmother’s Hands to participate in these gatherings. This is to make full use of the information in his book. Other bodies are essential to support learning at a profound level.

Hurt
Dirty Pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, and denial. When people respond from their most wounded parts, become cruel or violent, or physically or emotionally run away, they experience dirty pain. They also create more of it for themselves and others. Resmaa Menakem pg. 20 My Grandmother’s hands.

Marks
I am considering here the pain of trauma. What epigenetically is left in all of our bodies and as a result our psyches. Without understanding, and compassion to support, healing cannot be achieved. I am considering here the many internal and external conflicts we face as a species. What others and Resmaa have shared, is that a hurt people go on to hurt others and invariably themselves. Why, because pain acts as connector too. As Joshua Isaac Smith has stated, trauma shuts down our thinking brain. We become reactive and limited in our understanding of the world around us. Pain gets passed forward as information that is to be attended to.

Nurturing
Experiencing clean pain enables us to engage our integrity and tap into our body’s inherent resilience and coherence, in a way that dirty pain does not. Paradoxically, only by walking into our pain or discomfort – experiencing it, moving through it, and metabolizing it – can we grow. It’s how the human body works. Resmaa Menakem pg. 20 My Grandmother’s hands. Here Resmaa explains the positive although painful aspects of healing. He highlights that the human body is connected to all parts of ourselves moving through awareness at all times.

Rip
With Oppenheimer we were rapidly brought into an awareness of the project of significance that changed our world in irreparable ways. ‘The Manhattan Project’ which I initially thought was a plot line of the 1980s comic book series The Watchmen. Science, quantum mechanics and quantum theory are all brought to a head in the creation of the atomic bomb and later variations of the super atomic bomb. It was at the point of the trial in the film that Resmaa’s idea of Dirty Pain and Clean Pain jumped out at me.

Para
The suggestion by Lewis Strauss (Robert Downey Jr’s character) that ultimate power should be left in the employ of Americans was where the idea of Dirty Pain really took hold. Oppenheimer’s intent was to invite other nations to form an alliance, to limit and control the use of nuclear weapons. For Strauss total power was for America and no-one else to be shared. Least of all the Russians. The point of injury arrived as Strauss was ridiculed in front of others and in paranoia, possibly spoken out against when Oppenheimer spoke with Einstein on the lawn. The assertion Strauss makes is to undermine and discredit Oppenheimer.

Project
I will finish with this: ‘As every therapist will tell you, healing involves discomfort –  but so does refusing to heal. And, over time, refusing to heal is always more painful.’ Resmaa Menakem ‘My Grandmothers Hands’ pg. 19. We can look outward to another and project upon them our wants for them to fix up, heal, get better. If they are our reflection, then we would be wiser to attend to what ails us first. With all three men presented above, they each in turn, invite us to observe self first and other in a binary relationship.

Resources
Watchmen Wikipedia I was introduced to the novel at university and thought Rorschach an interesting and complex character. The link takes you to a Wikipedia page discussing this comic book series.
Oppenheimer trailer A short introduction to the 3 hour epic. Highlighting the knife edge decision made to end the 2^nd world war by dropping 2 nuclear bombs.
Kendrick – Mr Morale And The Big Steppers review. It is fair to say that this is Kendrick’s finest body of work. In later blogs I will highlight what I was able to take away from this collection of art.
Resmaa Menakem Somatic Abolitionism An introduction to Somatic Abolitionism and the deep work that Resmaa and colleagues are consistently engaged with.
Questlove Supreme and Phonte Interviews Eric Roberson pt 1 This is a huge aside, and I recognise the folly of placing this podcast here. Erro Eric Roberson and Phonte Lyshod Coleman discuss Roberson’s beginnings and how the two came to work together.

Images
Explosion Image Theme
Cover photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
Explosives in Blue photo by Daniel Jensen on Unsplash
Firework photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash
Fireworks Blue photo by Andreas Rasmussen on Unsplash

Black Grief and Loss

A few months ago I was asked to share my thoughts on Black people’s grief and about the experiences of our sense of loss. I was to present my ideas alongside a student at McMaster university. Due to illness I was unable to attend. What arrived were a collection of loosely drawn ideas that highlight the difficulty of encountering loss as a result of death for the Black community. What also follows are a few of my thoughts and others that continue challenging the misnomer of white body supremacy.

Succession
The challenge met for some in the global African community when met with death, loss and grief is about the number of mental states we cycle through. From the individual response. The familial response, the community response and the cultural response. Which also accompanies a societal level of recognition and responsibility to make sense of Black death, vicarious trauma and loss. In recent weeks (Aug 2023) a lone gunman killed 3 Black people in Florida. An experience of vicarious trauma looms, when events like these senseless killings happen. Death is inevitable, but like this? No! The event is without question racially motivated. Leaving many guessing when the next event will happen and the ones that are likely to follow these.

Random
From the insurgency in January 2021, to white nationalists at the Unite the white rally in 2017, the Canadian truckers blockade in major cities across the country in 2022, something appears to be threatening the development of a clear and clinical analysis and appreciation on the construct of race. One of the most useful things I learned becoming a psychotherapist/counsellor/coach is that, change sets off a chain of interlinked events that rebound and knock onto and into other things. Causing more to become destabilized. Perhaps the world needs to rock some before it becomes settled once more?

Multiverse
Into the Spiderverse 2 film does an excellent job of highlighting the interconnected web of events that lead to many realisations about what did happen, what should have happened and possibly what will take place next. Just because an object has been propelled into the sky, does not mean that the object will remain there permanently. And that the force generated to lift the object does not also create an alternative detrimental effect. The writing of Derek Bell in his book ‘Faces at the Bottom of the Well‘ highlights that just because one group of people are privileged living care free in the light. A shadow is cast of that assumed privilege. Leaving a great many, managing life at the bottom of the well.

Dead Time
Returning to the idea of death and loss, working as a counsellor/psychotherapist for the past 14 years, death and loss have been frequent discussed guests in the rooms where I have practiced. The singular, familial and community awareness of how a person from the global African community processes and manages death is always a unique experience. Often because society, community, and family affords little – no space for loss to be fully evaluated, come to terms with and understood. A person and or group are afforded a short reprieve to process death. In some communities professional wailers and people are invited to the funeral to make noise on behalf of the family. Here it could be said that a song and a dance are warranted to pay attention to the deep wounding loss evokes. Then a return to ‘normality’ is the societal request. Can we return to a regular existence after something so significant has been torn from us? My grief journey with my mum’s death took 2 long years of disbelief. Which eventually turned into a thorough and bitter acceptance. I can now look back at that time, knowingly nod, and appreciate how difficult her loss was for all of us. The up swing for me is to notice how life changing this time was too. As a family we could have spent more time talking with each other, remembering, laughing and fully grieving her death. Assisting in all of us arriving at a ready peace.

Against Odds
The idea our community of survivors has, is an understanding about ourselves and the diverse culture we belong to is that of strength. The African global community has been able to not only prevail, but also resist, struggle and overcome. Being vulnerable a daring probability. Death brings us close to the precipice of tumbling into vulnerability. Some like me, prefer a stoic stoney silence. Within this herstory/history there are too many deaths and losses to count: land, language, faiths, culture, traditions, ancestors, homes, fashions, beliefs, foods, learning, sexuality and education about our pasts. Can we remain in an idea of strength when certain parts of ourselves readily bleed? Better to attend to what is hurt and painful. Being amongst others to assist healing of ourselves and those around us. This game is better played amongst the many!

Release
When we then collect together at a place of worship. When we have visited the homes of those who have gone on. To meet with those that came before. We find ourselves in a place we know intimately and are yet resistant to experience. This place is close to our deepest fear. It represents our annihilation, weakness, ending, the door of no return. When we can notice the theory of energy – Energy cannot be created or destroyed.. We perhaps can review once more the fear of annihilation. What actually lies beyond? Could death be something different, can death be a beautiful new beginning?

No Escape
Continuing to carry the crimes of the past in our bodies hearts and minds* has grossly cost the peoples of the global African community. I believe that globally the weight of these pains are undeniable and everyone directly and indirectly is impacted. An experience of Loss, death and grieving can begin a willingness to loosen old patterns of existing. The painful break of the ending of a life, of lives, of generations, may cause a person, a community, a people to make real what was held at distance from ourselves. That by opening and standing bold in our vulnerability, we meet within us and from trusted others what is intimately needed – healing.

Up and Down
Knowing that grief is managed in community because the size of the unknown is too significant to be handled alone. Thus being similar to the arrival of new life, too glorious for one to bear witness to singularly…

Resources
A thorough description of Joy DeGruy’s concept of epigenetics.
Resmaa shares his understanding of racial trauma in conversation with Miléna Mikael-Debass.
Article by Simon Clark addressing the slow roll out of a new wave of the lie of white supremacy.
Resmaa discusses his book ‘the Quaking of America’ in his characteristic easy to understand way with two Psychiatrists Keith Kurlander, Dr. Will Van Derveer
Tall Black Guy in my opinion has progressively pushed his artistry into tackling ideas of race racism and dismantling the lie of white body supremacy.
Amir Sulaiman’s poetry has an earthshattering resonance to it. His call is to live daringly so that those who come after us remember who we were and what we did to create change for oppressed communities. Inviting future generations to continue creating change.
* re. Joy DeGruy on Epigenetics
Resmaa Menakem on How our bodies carry racial trauma
How White Supremacy Returned to Mainstream Politics by Simon Clark
The Quaking of America Integrative Psychiatry with Resmaa Menakem
Black Is Tall Black Guy
You Will Be Someone’s Ancestor Act Accordingly Amir Sulaiman
Vicarious Trauma x2 provides 2 separate pieces on experiencing trauma vicariously

Images
Search Term Black is Beautiful
Cover photo by Prince Akachi on Unsplash
First of All photo by Jazmin Quaynor on Unsplash
Headwrap pose photo by Oladimeji Odunsi on Unsplash
Wall Pose photo by Good Faces on Unsplash
Beaming Smile photo by Good Faces on Unsplash

Conspiracy Theory: CoViD19

Weather
The reason I am attempting to write a counter conspiracy is for a counselling client (PK) who summed up the mælström that is the pandemic. Wherever one may have been in the last 2-3 months, in all of the countries around the globe, one word has possibly been used billions of times more than almost all others: CoViD19.

More
The meaning of the word CoViD19 is an amalgam for the Corona Virus Disease 2019. There have been other Corona Viruses which this one has become the most famous currently. There was H1N1 and SARs that are also well known to have had deadly effects on us humans.

Past responses
In my last piece of writing, I attempted to show what a millennia of learning has taught us. What do we do in the face an of overwhelming threat? We share knowledge to defeat said threats. With this virus – sharing unverified information can have a large downward spiralling affect.

Valuable
Sharing viable information from reliable and trustworthy sources serves to contain and uplift those that we care about. Putting forward concerning or hopeless material can put even more stress and strain on already overwhelmed biological systems. The effect: more illness and disease and possibly death. Various communities have been hit disastrously by COVID19. Globally – China, Italy, Spain the UK and then the US, have been affected grossly with high infection rates and death tolls.

Guardians
African Americans, African Caribbeans, Black British and Asian British people appear to be experiencing the illness at a considerably higher rate than the general population. Within these communities the disease has spread very quickly: see the Guardian article below. Some time could be spent reviewing incident rates, skewed figures and total numbers observing underlying health difficulties.

You at the Front
African and Asian communities, here in the UK are often frontline workers i.e. Doctors, Nurses, Public Transport operatives, grocery shop employees, refuse and garbage disposal operatives, cleaners, janitors, security guards, delivery agents, postal workers, packers and sorters.
Who come into frequent contact with the disease from a wide array of sources. Often frontline workers are without the appropriate equipment, training or guidance. Simply doing their jobs without due protection.

How did this come to pass?

Responsibility
These women and men as brave as they are, perhaps, are as wary of the set of circumstances we all face but may have little option but to continue to support themselves, their employers, employees, their families, their communities.
Why? Because they care?
Yes, and there maybe a simpler more human reason. If they aren’t able to fill the unforgiving task, who will? If they don’t, will frontline workers be able to stop working if they are the main earner in their household? If family in countries of their origin are in need of the stipend they are able to send each month can frontline workers easily walk away from their frontline roles?

Unknowing Unseen
Perhaps just before we are about to click send on the latest conspiracy theory: showing how this latest crises caused by the Nameless Them will be our undoing. Maybe we should think of others who are fighting for a larger ideal. Rather than the 2 or 3 minutes of edutainment that the video has provided us with. Maybe we can think how is this information going to serve another? Spending time with the idea of – “if I cannot verify or make good use of this too hot to handle information, should I send it?”

Accountability
I am not saying do not send info that you feel can be useful for others. What I am asking is that we make a considered effort to pause and think of others more. Because if what is sent causes another to feel progressively worse and hopeless – do they deserve that? For another to carry the burden of a future that looks as bleak and as unpromising as their not too distant past has been?

Dual Responses
For communities suffering with co-morbid presentations of hypertension, diabetes, auto-immune diseases, poverty, racism, homophobia, sexism, mental illness, personality disorders, substance misuse and pasts affected by the criminal justice system – would adding another straw to an already overworked overburdened back be a compassionate wise or empathic response?

Holding a candle

Light in Dark Spaces
Aim always for kindness I have been told. Always! Aim for lessening the load of others and bearing some of the weight they carry.

Do not click send without forethought.

If the South African term Ubuntu (I am: Because You Are) is used as a guide, CoViD19 could be used as a tool to look to a greater good for all.

Pandemics do not need to separate but throw us all under the same sky fighting a microscopic monster together. Would that not be a better conspiracy to spread?

Resources

P Diddy State of Emergency – A plan of action
The Stoop Podcast – Together and Apart
The Guardian – CoViD19 affecting Black Communities
Pod Save The World – How a Virus Can Threaten Democracy There are many relevant view points incorporated into this episode including David Lammy discussing Corona Virus and his new book!

Images
Cover photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash
1st Inlay photo by Alfons Morales on Unsplash
2nd Inlay photo by Eyasu Etsub on Unsplash

LA TERCERA GUERRA MUNDIAL UNA TEORIA: CORONAVIRUS

Es posible que nuestro mundo esté viviendo la mayor amenaza global a la supervivencia humana desde la epidemia de la gripe de 1918 y la segunda guerra mundial. COVID19 se ha definido como una pandemia, una emergencia global sin precedencia, y una guerra.

La amenaza es una proteína que una vez invade/infecta a su huésped, se reproduce, causa enfermedad y preocupantemente, la muerte.
Es la parte de la muerte la que es indiscriminada y derriba vecindarios y estados. Me recuerda a documentales de la segunda mundial y edificios siendo detonados en pedazos y comunidades destruidas. Todos hemos sido involuntariamente llamados a luchar, AHORA.

ADVERTENCIA: Esto es una inmersión en algunas ideas asociativas que tengo para apoyar y manejar la crisis actual. El objetivo es proporcionar ideas útiles y una breve descripción de algunos medios que he consumido que me ayudan a posicionar esta amenaza existencial.

Teoría del Gato
Compartí con un cliente la teoría del gato de Schrödinger para apoyar su aceptación y reconstrucción de la idea de lo desconocido que es el COVID19, cepa de gripe que está actualmente poniendo el mundo patas arriba. Sencillamente presente la teoría de un gato muerto/ no muerto en una caja como una manera de ayudar a asimilar la difícil realidad de la pandemia que es COVID19.

El virus me recuerda a un hongo (David Attenborough presenta hongos entomopatógenos) que afecta a insectos. En cuestión de días estos insectos se convierten en cadáveres que ayudan a propagar las esporas de los hongos a otros insectos desprevenidos para crear otros hongos. La naturaleza es ridículamente inteligente. De manera similar, un asaltante invisible está causando que todo lo que consideramos en nuestra experiencia mundial como importante y valioso sea derribado e irreparablemente alterado.

La Teoría de Schrödinger
Y así a la teoría del gato de Schrödinger. La teoría es que imaginemos un gato doméstico. El atigrado se coloca en una caja con un isotopo radiactivo. Debo decir que, en ningún momento se llevó a cabo este experimento.
Esto es un experimento mental, que invita a nuestras mentes humanas a tener dos ideas opuestas al mismo tiempo. Como en la teoría cuántica, donde la luz está compuesta de partículas y actúa como una onda al mismo tiempo. El isótopo radiactivo está conectado con un temporizador que libera el veneno en un momento específico pero desconocido.

La Paradoja de lo Desconocido
La pregunta a responder es, ¿el gato está vivo o muerto? Para un científico o una persona curiosa como mi cliente, se plantean cuestiones sobre la cantidad de isótopos radiactivos y la resistencia del gato. Otras preguntas también podrían incluir si el gato tenía comida o agua para mantenerse y por cuánto tiempo está en la caja. 24 horas es el tiempo que di como respuesta. Creo que para el experimento mental la respuesta fue una hora y sí, en mi ejemplo, había suficiente comida y agua para sostener al gato durante 24 horas.

Ambos
Ahora para responder la pregunta y llevar este nivel de preguntas a un círculo completo. Dirija la pregunta al virus mortal que está cambiando irrevocablemente el mundo. Porque no podemos determinar la efectividad del isótopo radiactivo. Ni la resistencia del gato. La respuesta a la pregunta sobre el bienestar del gato es que el gato está vivo y muerto. Simultáneamente. No está muerto ni está vivo. Tendríamos que abrir la caja y ver por nosotros mismos. Hasta ese momento debemos mantener ambas ideas como respuestas correctas probables.

¿Es teoría cuántica?
Fui un poco más lejos con el ejemplo del gato de Schrödinger y COVID19 con mi cliente. A nivel mundial, estamos en las cajas de Desconocidos conocidos y en la caja de Conocimientos desconocidos simultáneamente.

La amenaza para todos nosotros es el factor de no saber. ¿Podemos saber qué sucederá a lo largo del continuum entre contraer el virus o evadirlo y no enfermar? No podemos. Mirando los ejemplos de naciones como China o Italia, podemos observar la efectividad de lo que han hecho estos países. Bloquear a una nación entera y restringir el movimiento parece haber disminuido las tasas de infección. Se cree que China como país ha pasado lo peor de la crisis. Italia se acerca a la peor experiencia de la crisis: el número total de personas infectadas que mueren a causa de la enfermedad alcanza su punto máximo diario / semanal. El resto del mundo está a 2-3 semanas por detrás de Italia.

Rat-a-tat-tat
Si tuviéramos que contraer el virus, pasaríamos a las cajas de conocidos y desconocidos. Sabríamos que potencialmente podríamos sentirnos mal o estar seriamente enfermos. Es el grado de malestar lo que no sabríamos. El “qué pasaría después” tampoco quedaría claro. La incertidumbre es el punto de preocupación para las naciones en este momento. La misma preocupación también se extiende a familias e individuos en el 28 de marzo de 2020 (fecha de redacción de este artículo). Es posible que la histeria pública, el pánico y la paranoia comiencen ahora a golpear fuertemente nuestra puerta de pensamientos racionales. Si abrimos esta puerta podríamos estar acosados por muchas muchas preocupaciones.

Eleccion
Si abrimos la puerta y aceptamos el estado de desconocimiento, ¿entonces qué? Si mantenemos la puerta cerrada y nos quedamos con lo que sabemos sobre el virus, ¿sería esto mejor tanto a corto como a largo plazo?
Aquí hay dos resultados dentro de muchas otras posibilidades que podrían reducir la histeria, el pánico y la paranoia. Podríamos aprender a aceptar lo que es o negar lo que es.

El lago Matheson

Lo desconocido?
Gestionar aquello que se puede controlar es pasar a la primera caja de conocimientos conocidos (lo que sabemos que sabemos). En la cual nos sentimos cómodos y tenemos una confianza inherente en un futuro determinado. Habitar las cajas segunda, tercera y cuarta es inquietante, aterrador e invita a ideas desestabilizadoras. Estas son las cajas de lo que sabemos que desconocemos, lo que desconocemos que sabemos y lo que desconocemos que desconocemos.

Todo mejor Ahora
Buscar información en este momento puede verse como un movimiento inteligente, sin embargo, hay una avalancha de información confusa y conflictiva en este momento.

Pod Save the World comparte un nuevo podcast que proporciona una actualización quincenal sobre el Coronavirus.

Si puede, reduzca la ansiedad, reduzca el uso de las redes sociales, aíslese, distánciese socialmente cuando este fuera, coma saludablemente, mantenga la ingesta de líquidos y trate de mantener conexiones virtuales positivas con amigos y familiares.

Una cosa que es conocida, es que esta experiencia de la guerra pasará. Nuestro mundo cambiará. Debe de hacerlo. Vivir a partir de entonces, en un mundo cambiado, es el resultado del gato de Schrödinger: yacer en la última caja de lo que desconocemos que desconocemos: emocionante y sin embargo aterrador.

Abre la caja!

Recursos
Brené Brown Podcast FFT’s
Bill Gates – WWIII
Podsave The World Coronavirus Reality
Marios’ Video fwd
Netflix Pandemic
This Day in Esoteric Political History from 99% Invisible – We Have Been Here Before

Imagen
Lake Matheson Photo by Jingwei Ke on Unsplash

With thanks to my friend CV-A for the support in translating this text!

Insomnia and possible ways to sleep

I know two people who have challenges with sleep. My son aged 10 and my wife CW. I have over the past few years investigated and interrogated both to get an understanding of what happens for them when they try to go to sleep. Below are my findings and possible solutions.

Similarities
Both my son P, and my wife CW, have active working memories that retain events of their days.

For my son; the entertainment he has thinking about school, his friends and activities he was involved in the day, alongside whatever technological gadgets that have captured his imagination seem to keep him awake. He tires at about 10:00pm.

My wife is usually engaged in numerous nocturnal intellectual pursuits that seem to be a holdover from studying at an intense level for 5+ years.

Concerns
Some of her intellectual meanderings involve worrying about our eldest son, worrying about me, worrying about if the backdoor is locked, worrying about work and worrying about future events, that may never happen, or never happen.

Then there are the many frustrations of being a PhD survivor. Being married to a man who does not want to admit his failing health and doing the laundry are high on the agenda as is a family relocation.

To Canada to be clear.

A future Blog is in development currently that speaks to this huge change!

Strategies
A few years ago I once offered the unwise task of counting backwards from 100 in 7s to CW. Not only was she able to do it (patterns) 93, 86, 79, 72… but became more enraged and upset that she had completed the task of 7 counting and not fallen asleep. I am often still reminded.

Resourcefulness
I have offered to CW Tom Bilyeu’s how to get a decent rest (see below) on his podcast Impact Theory to support her sleep improvement. She has not listened to it yet, stating that podcasts are not her thing. (SMH)

The wise Eric Berne’s ‘Yes But’ approach from Games People Play I have just started to remember because, as the book suggests, it doesn’t really matter what method, I or anyone else offers/presents as the golden bullet to get to sleep, it will be refuted, denied and ridiculed by stubborn sleep refusers and CW.

Endurance
The reason, I think, some people (my wife may be one of those people too) who “enjoy” being able to survive on 2-4 hours worth of sleep and apply extra cranky crunch to all who experience them.

It’s the get out of all get outs! Excuses of all excuses. They, Insomniacs, can never be challenged or provoked to look at the intensity of what their brain’s deprived of rest has wrought. Perhaps genius springs forth from fatigue?

The Boardroom
Listening to the Tim Ferris Podcast (see below) I heard of a technique that I thought was worth mentioning to those who have trouble sleeping.

Imagine that you are in a boardroom and have the director’s seat. You call the meeting to order as the director of this sleep meeting you are about to conduct.

Now imagine the other seats filled with all those annoying voices that plague you at night.

Imagination Riot
Personify them exquisitely. Dress them. Give them personalities and a place to sit at the table. You may want to depending on importance and urgency, rank these voices and place less important ones further away.

Dream Like Waves

Name and Listen
Each voice has something to say to you about something specific.

There’s the voice that represents Fear, Anger, Love, Money, Work Mistakes, Regret, Family, Denial, Debt and financial concerns, Politics, Worry, Inner Child woes, Death, Car, Transport and Travel and a mariad more.

Roll up Sleeves
Now for the hard part. Imagine one of your principle concerns sitting next to the directors chair. They are speaking about what they have found, seen and have predicted to happen next in your life.

Usually in the day, you engage and take on with energy all that they are saying. Getting prepared to wage war on all that they brought to your attention.

The difference now, laying prone you are only going to listen and thank them for bringing all that they have to your attention, and importantly NOTHING more!

Loosening Grip
The ‘concern’ once being heard will dissipate and choose to leave the boardroom. In the least it will be satiated and choose to quieten from bothering your attempts to sleep. I invite you to do this for all the voices clamouring to speak to you.

Patient Practice
The technique takes practice. In time you won’t be able to stay awake long enough to listen to all of their complaints and worries, you will be too tired relaxed and calm to stay awake. Wouldn’t this be a better way to bring the day to an end?

Sleep Oddity
I know this sounds like an odd task to complete at the end of an already busy and tiring day. But would offer, does another night of twisting, turning and concerning oneself with thoughts that keep you awake for hours longer, seem like a good use of precious restoration time to you?

Technique.
The understanding I am left with is one of tactical empathy. Be prepared to be triggered and then not to act when applying the boardroom techno. But by listening you have given the ‘voice’ all that it was after – an audience. Once they have shared all there is to be shared, there is not much more for the ‘concern’ to do so they quieten.

Ignore Marry Avoid
Choose not to engage with the content. An outcome from from having a daily meditative practice is to allow thoughts to pass and not follow them, as the mischief makers want to entice! Listen with care and thank them for all that they brought to your attention. With an empty head and all ‘voices’ now abated sleep should happen.

This may feel strange. But it is what the insomniac has said that they needed. I know, they have woken me up to tell me! “Quiet in the mind to be able to go to sleep.”

Fear
Often we want change, and fear change at the same time. Some people believe that we should suffer on some level for past wrongdoings. I strongly refute this idea as a truism. Insomnia is a learnt experience and so can be unlearned or another tactic applied to get to go to sleep. The dread of staying awake again could be the motivator that ushers in change for insomniacs leading to a global phenomenon.

For the insomniac procrastinator, maybe there is the want to figure out what it all means and stay awake doing so.
It is a choice to be made between sleeping or not to sleep.

One – leads to an increase in mental ability and does increase resilience affability, mental acuity and alertness, and overall health exponentially.

The other – a slow death.

The choice is yours.

Resources
Impact Theory – Get the Best Rest
Science of Success – Reluctant Meditator
Tim Ferris – Safi Bahcall
Two Guys on Your Head – Sleep
Late Night Tales: Another Late Night -Zero 7

Images
Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash

You: Sociopath

Astonishment
I have been amazed at the fact that I am transfixed by the Netflix show called YOU, his lies, his abilities to deceive and manipulate his way into peoples lives astounds me. The story telling and artful portrayal of Joe Goldberg is an introduction to the layering of an unwell man, that believes that he is, well – well.

Endings
The first season was complete hedenonism and I allowed myself to be swept up in the mire of Guinevere Beck and Joe’s “love affair” that ended shockingly in season 1.

Currents
The second season I find myself trying hard to swim against the current of liking Joe. Of not wanting him to win, steal, cheat, lie. Kill. But he does and I am amazed and happy and appalled by my want to see him suffer, be caught, found out, be brought to justice and then he is not and I am relieved and dismayed at myself for enjoying his escape.

Adoration Amiss
This is bad love. This is the love of the ill and the confused. This is the love often given or showered upon a narcissist or sociopath/psychopath. This love is wrong on so many levels but there I go, mesmerised with the allure of LA sun and youngish people living their best sordid lives. Pure unalterable, unabashed fantasy.

Familiarity
This is sociopathy. This is personality disordered contortion. The hook for me is the overlaying of the voiceover. The quick, witty, aware commentary. It sort of makes it okay. Smoothies over the roughness. This voice is similar to the ‘always on voice’ of mine in my head. I would hazard a guess that this voice is similar to the voice in your head too. It, the voice in our heads, is the entertainment. The doubter, the proof reader, truth seeker, worrier. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without hearing it?

Surprised recognition
Here in is where the clever thing about the show YOU lies. Hidden but omnipresent. Fixed like the ground beneath our feet but almost invisible because we do not notice that we walk across it, The ground holds us all up.

The voice in Joe’s head provides us with a commentary of all that happens and is happening. The dry, clever awareness of Joe is something we have heard before. He the voice is like our own. For me, this truth is the one that stands ahead of everything else about the show. We recognise them (the voice) as ours and are left wanting and loathing them him and us.

A puddle shaped heart

Before
It is a madness (confusing, intoxicating) how YOU can be so enticing! Watch on and be as appalled and as amazed as I have been.

The Wonder Years with Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper held something similar and as recognisable as did Dawson’s Creek’s teenage *philosophizings and posturings or similarly in Everybody Hates Chris with Chris Rock’s commentary. The voice over offers something more alluring.

The 3 shows listed above offered a running discourse that held the viewer wrapped up in both on and off screen musings. Whilst continuing the story in ones own mind well after the TV has been turned off. Another Netflix show that occupied precious cerebellum space, for me, was House of Cards for similar reasons listed here.

Inside Man
The last point I will raise is that the infection, my infection has to be passed on. Like an advert for stopping the spread of something harmful, and doing the opposite! I find myself speaking about the show. Defying my own sensibilities. Deftly displaying how I have been lured in to classifying Joe as disaffected and altered. Thus labelling myself just so.

I had not realised that I was spreading the harm by finding others to discuss the show with, is in itself an alarming, ludicrous and an insidious act. I should be offering warnings: Get out now if you can. Don’t continue to watch. Avoid YOU at all costs!

The cleverness is that you don’t realise how involved you are until it’s too late. Oh the characters themselves warn you. “You’re a sociopath! Is that it?” Says Love. Yes we scream he is! But do we then stop watching? No. We remain as if hypnotised because he is I, and I, is You and that is truly

unbelievably

amazing!

Resources
Sociopath meet Empath
7 Reasons to Watch You
10 Reasons to give up on TV
Have You Heard George’s Podcast ep 6

Images
Photo Erik Witsoe@ewitsoe on Unsplash
Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Re-imagining Loss part 2

Expansion beyond 5
I wonder if there are stages/experiences that follow Denial, Bartering, Anger, Depression and Acceptance that could be added to the stages of dealing with death.

That may provide a better frame to the slim paradox of grief and loss? Maybe a healthier way to manage the tumultuous feelings that accompany loss?

Yes go through the 5 but what about
Celebration
Rest and
eventually finding Peace?

Allowing space for a quiet putting down of all those years of turmoil, self-questioning, doubt, pain and other uncomfortable emotions and thoughts.

Expulsion
Nine Night as a Caribbean/African tradition of helping to move the deceased on. Nine Night allows mourners time to remember, tell stories, curse, swear, holler, cry, sing, dance, play cards, pour libation and offer to anyone who has ears to listen our best, worst and most treasured memories of the them that has gone on.

Hammer Toss
My favourite story of my mum that has left an indelible imprint on my memory is the story of the hammer. Caribbean’s know of pick up and throw as a rule to instruct and discipline children. Especially the ‘fleet of foot’ child, which I was fortunately. Well. When we meet allow me to share that indelible memory…

Reflect
In celebration we hold up a mirror to them (The deceased). Not only do we see them but we also see the time we had with them and ourselves. It’s a funny thing because these memories contain them and us. By remembering, we invite in a retelling of a time before, with them in it, alive, vibrant. Unforgettable. Until even those memories fade and change over time.

Remember Blockbusters
If anyone knew my friend Jamui Adebiyi you would know of his acting ability and of his harsh criticism of B rate movies. Imagine Blockbusters, the now defunct movie loaning business chain, at Clapham Junction 1999. Myself, Mobolagi and Ade negotiating between us movie choices, this was long before Sainsbury’s rolled in. I ventured that we should watch a said B rate movie and his reaction was classic Ade. He jumped up and down and said that that movie is crap, it’s crap, it’s crap, timing his jumps with each brief statement. I was about to say Ade is…

And now I remember, he died 8 years ago. That memory lives on as does he, in a time framed by a Clapham junction with a Blockbusters in it, in a very different London.

A deep dive reflection

Revel
Celebrate them for the memory they have left us with. In celebrating our time with them, it can allow the sadness to change to something lighter.

Transformation is about an enlightening experience. Allow for it. Make time to celebrate them for all that they were. Who they had been for you. The singular narrative is for those who may have positive affable memories of the person or people that has/have died.

To complicate the narrative, a challenged earlier relationship with the deceased may be harder to muster the mental energy to celebrate who they were. Perhaps, here one can choose to thank them for the lessons learned or let go of the discomforting memories.

Forever…

Tranquil
By arriving at a piece of peace and finally then rest, death can be allowed out too.

Like a bee trapped in a hot glass house.
Once freed – buzzing away back to it’s hive.
The frenzy at seeking an out
Causes the din of Bee head butting
n buzzing to reverberate in ones
Head minutes after the bee let fly.

So too this and death.

Unless released reverently it (death) remains abuzz. Pass through all eight stages for as long as they are needed. Then release and accept/receive the peace willingly.

Restitution
Once a person arrives at the point of Rest the energy used to move through the other 7 stages of grief may have waned. One may want to sleep for a while. There are moments where I flip back to the point of being angry with death, sometimes.

It is possible that the only act left is to simply be still. The need to stop running and avoiding the pain is given chance to subside. There is little left to do. The rest point could represent the end of the grief journey. Fully completing the path as it winds down towards the sea could take months or years. Travel well. Remember to let go. They, You, We deserve it

1 Denial
2 Bargaining
3 Anger
4 Depression
5 Acceptance
6 Celebrate
7 Peace
8 Rest

Resources
Two Guys on your Head Memory-Imagination and Happiness
Philosophy Bites – Death
Griefcast with Meshel Laurie
Unlocking Us Podcast Brené Brown and David Kessler

Images
https://unsplash.com/@whoislimos In despair, but not lost. I try to remind myself, trials may come yet hope lies at dawn Chicago Dawn
https://unsplash.com/@thoughtcatalog/portfolio

Re-imagining Loss pt 1

What if there were more than 5 grief stages to processing loss or death. A recent conversation with the Black men’s therapy group helped me to revisit a long held belief and choose another way to be with loss.

Staged and known
Kubler Ross invites us to imagine the process of managing grief in a range of steps or *awareni that one encounters. The original 5 are useful to frame the experience of being bereaved. Discussing Loss and Bereavement with the introduction to Counselling course for Black Men group, other stages were discussed and arrived at organically. The group not only challenged the 5 previous well known stages but provided reason why further stages may need to be added.

Avoidance
Denial presents shock as a 1st step of the process of encountering the magnitude of loss. A person can attempt to deny that death has occurred. Watching the 2nd season of New Amsterdam a hospital employee is invited often to review their grief process which is firmly rooted in denial. I will choose not to spoil the exploits of the new season of a well told hospital drama. The ending of the 1^st season of New Amsterdam was a true shocker. The 2^nd season has continued to enthrall me, and was filled with most of the emotions and experiences of the Kubler Ross model of processing grief Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

Trading Places
Bartering is another of the initial experiences of processing death. I know I visited this state when I finally admitted to myself that my mother was dieing. This was back in 1993. I bartered my own life away for the sake of hers. To who better than God. I wanted to trade places with her, that if she was left to live that I would attend church and believe like no other Christian ever has before.

I vowed to give up my adherent addiction to comic books, to stop playing basketball, even attending university for the vain hope that my mother could continue to draw breath. Bartering as a stage is pure psychotic belief in one’s own unrealised potential to make the impossible real. It’s a stage close to madness. I ask, for what good reason would the universe listen to my small offerings? There is no significant pay off universally. To what end? Really? What changes if one entity is exchanged for another? Sorry. No deal.

Fury
Then we arrive at Anger. Now this delicious unrelenting energy giving force of furious energy makes all the other feelings of emotional turmoil seem like a breeze. Paltry. Ineffective. Like Meh! Anger at death is another psychotic experience where we can lose ourselves in rages of senseless fury. Arguing with others (family) friends and loved ones (partners) and ourselves for all that they or you could have done more of to mitigate/stop the deceased from dieing. The point here is you or I don’t have those superhuman powers. Ours is to love. Be consumed by the hurt that our sense of attachment has brought us into intimate contact with. And recognise that there is little left to replace us with the person who has gone.

Loss Hurts

Pressed On
Acknowledging the hurt can bring us into the uncomfortable 4th stage of the grieving process. Depression. This stage can be unpredictable slow and long. It can also be a dark stage. Ideas both alien and life threatening can enter ones thinking. Behaviours like self-harm, self-isolation, suicide, drug misuse, reckless acts that increase risk to self and others appear to make sense. This stage is a hard one to navigate. Don’t do it alone. Find others to help. Speak to friends. Speak with the one who has gone. Write them a letter, sing them a song. Visit their favourite place and say what you dared not to before. Feel the feelings and recognise that they ebb and flow, wax and wane. Depression isn’t the final destination it’s the wet dark space we get to sometimes pass through. Usually to get to another space. A brighter place. It took roughly 2 years for me to move beyond this stage.

Release
Acceptance is often seen as the final stage to the Kubler-Ross grief process and supports the person who is grieving to come upon a sort of deliverance. Some speak of the light at the end of the tunnel. I found acceptance to be like the weight I was struggling under, lift off of me in gradual stages. Which met the time I left Cambridgeshire and returned to London, the city of my birth. I felt hopeful and excited finally, about the possibility of what had the potential to be.

Resources
Griefcast a Podcast with Cariad Lloyd
Grief Encounter Cariad discusses grief with Dr Shelley Gilbert MBE

Images
Metropolitan City of Rome Mike Labrum@labrum777
Pressed On Paulo Silva selfvisionstudios.wixsite.com/home

Not Sharing

Before
There was a time in my life where posting and sharing podcasts was a thing I spent copious amounts of time doing.

I felt that I was performing a useful service by doing so. I thought that by sharing valuable worthy content an involved and engaged conversation would take place.

The dialogue would happen with people from around the world. That the highly sought after content would be worthy of talking about with others. Thereby creating a community of thinkers activists and instigators ready to affect change wherever necessary.

My efforts lasted for 3 months and then ceased. My experiment produced a lethargy and reduced my enthusiasm for sharing what I thought was useful and impactful content.

Busy?
Facing the fact that people are just too busy. That some media users are so engaged with many aspects of life to not have the headspace to listen and take on board novel and different ideas. That commenting or striking up conversation with another could be too much. Now I share valuable content with others directly these include clients, supervisees, friends, family, colleagues.

Chorizo
Focused shares feel like small personally delivered packets of curated wisdom. Slices of high priced information at cost that some take for granted – time. From my first downloads of the Moth Podcast or This American Life I could experience the same enjoyment of listening as I would and do get from reading. I have possibly consumed 1000’s of hours of enriched mixed spicy curated content.

Benign and Boring
When I am doing something like driving, housework, grocery shopping or going for a walk that does not require much auditory attention the ears and brain can switch into a bandwidth where useful information can be downloaded stored used and thought about. Some of the podcasts I listen to has been shared but a large percentage not.

1 thing
There’s one thing putting worthy insightful pieces of life changing information into the hands of people you admire, like, know and love, it’s another thing to put that same energy into/onto others who are oblivious of your efforts.

And so I have stopped.

Unapologetically

Vulnerability: The Hidden

There are a number of reasons that I have wanted to specifically work with Black Men/Men from the African Diaspora engaging in therapy. There is an overwhelming amount of misinformation about the strong, fierce, angry Black Man. There is also an unacknowledged backstory of why these perceptions have been allowed to exist. It is far easier to continue the lie. Pulling misinformation apart is the long slow and hard road.

Edu-
The Introductory course is styled for someone like myself, willing and able to be vulnerable with others – open to learning about themselves and being *edu-trained with others. It’s the therapy course I could have used when I was 13 or 20 or 37. I could probably do with a black men’s group now! Queue Dope Black Podcast.

Mini deaths x 3
I have 3 deaths that I want to acknowledge in this piece. The one that cut the deepest is the one I will write about last. It was an insidious and traumatic cut that has gone on to hurt many. Possibly does still. I now understand this wound. I can now forgive the persons that have directly and indirectly hurt me. I believe that pain is at the core of the reason for wanting to support others.

The many…

1st Loss
My 1st death wrapped me up,
Shut me down and
Held me mute
About the pain
Of my loss
It was
The death of
Mother.
In December ’93
Rita Margaret Drakes.

She died some 25 years ago and her terminal fight with cancer has been a model of my own struggles with Multiple Sclerosis: Part denial, part anger, part bargaining, part shock and then ambiguous acceptance that always seems out of reach. Tantalisingly close but defyingly, just beyond my outstretched arms – unable to connect…

Death 2
The 2nd death is of my friend Ade through suicide 2011. His death was both shocking and hard to accept. Recognising that I had no chance of saving him offers some relief. Only some. He made a choice much like a character in a Star is Born. The incident much like Jude in A Little Life, the encounter with almost dieing happening many, many times before.

Death 3
The 3rd is a story I have not written or talked much about. I have shared with only a few. Some members of my family know.

This death.

This loss is of innocence, of trust and the insidious nature of the harm caused to me. I have held myself in a place just out of reach. Believing that I am wrong, bad, mad and sad.

That the harm caused was of my doing and that I deserved it. That I continue to deserve mistreatment. That if I hold myself just out of sight, my hurt cannot infect others.

But it had.

Unreported
I was about 6 or 7 when I was sexually abused by someone older than me. The events are uncomfortable to describe and I will choose carefully what I share.

Being shown pornographic images elicits an uncontrollable physical response in some people. It did for me! I became aroused and that arousal was used by them to perform their sexual acts.

I recognise the crime committed against me. As well as working in corrections (Criminal Justice) I have seen this pattern replicated for a significant number of men and women I have supported. Abuse happening to them including; physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, financial and domestic and then perpetrating a similar crime against another or others.

Tankerton Reflection

The pattern is of ever diminishing returns, and a debased sense of self, of having little value, little to offer, often is, the outcome.

Broken Loop
A person who has been hurt can act out in ways to inflict pain on others. But I feel it is more than that, the person is after. They could be after an understanding of what happened to them first, by behaving in ways that evoke fear, obedience, power and getting a secondary gain from the sense of control this may have over another.

Reconnecting
I write this as an origin story of why I have created a course for Black men to access healing. I write because if I am unwilling to recognise my own experiences of pain and trauma how can I then support others begin working on theirs.

As with most things, dealing with change it has to start with us first!
Admitting that the hurt happened is primary to begin the process of healing.

Mend
What comes next is action.
This is where the fun and pain coexist. Getting to decide what happens next, where to go next, whom to speak with after, how to work it through and beyond so that it can no longer hold you from getting there.

There where you belong.

Safe, Resilient, Free, Successful, at Peace.

Resources
Episode 7-10 of New Amsterdam is a must see for the development of a story similar to mine.
Where Shall We Begin. Trauma Doesn’t Like to be Touched
Lisa Nichols The Inspiration that is
When they See Us

CTA
The Black Men’s Introduction to Therapy course begins on the 13th of November.
Visit www.michaelforfiehcounselling.com or www.equilibriumtc.com for more information.